So, two nights ago I had a seizure. After 6 long trouble-free complacent years. To top it all, I was in office, for the world and sundry to gasp over.
Sounds ghastly? Well, yes, it was. My first attack was when I was 9. My whole extended family had hysterics while I had hysterics. Looking back, I can make wise-cracks about it, but at that time, it felt that my world had shattered.
Over the years, it happened 3 more times. Monday was the 4th eventful one. My medicines had become a part of me, much like my spectacles, and I never even bothered to “realize” it. Along with time, I had to face a lot more than a blackout, there have been heart problems, high BP and sundry other ailments I have faced. So, I “shatter” a lot less nowadays.
Though, I agree, a few cracks HAVE appeared in my armor now. My smug, self-satisfied air of “I’m taking care of myself REAL well” has taken a severe beating. It will take about 24 more hours for my Cheshire-cat grin to be firmly back in place.
Maybe I’m paranoid. What really gets my goat is to be treated like an invalid. I keep telling people IM FINE, but people take time in believing that. This illness is one that makes you go “boom” internally, for whatever time it takes, and then, within 24 hours, u’r up and jumping around, and yes, PERFECTLY NORMAL. That, I think, is sometimes a little hard to digest for others, because they are looking at you with expectant eyes, WAITING for you to put on a show or something.
The pro to this whole mess…
a) it was in office, I had people to take care of me
b) it was late, so, not ALL colleagues saw me having the seizure
The con to this whole mess…
a) it happened in office
b) it happened at all…
Having been-there-done-that… and faced it, and writing about it, for the world to see, is a catharsis of sorts.. I can come face to face with my mental blocks about my illness, and shrug off stigma. Hey, if Steve Waugh can have it, and emerge a winner in more ways than one, I’m in good company :)
A deep realization comes about my well wishers, my friends who love me, and have surrounded me with care.. I don’t know what I would do without them.
The blackness also comes from within.. a frustration .. what did I do wrong, what could have gone wrong, why me again, etc etc. The frustration builds as I had been given a clean bill of health by my doc, for the last 6 years and never dreamt this would happen.
My doctor tells me “you seem fine, absolutely no problem… but ur crash dieting brought down ur blood sugar levels to a dangerously low point, so ur body reacted”. So, we all make mistakes. Good that I made it now, than later at a more critical point in time. I just wish god had a nicer way of nudging me along in the right direction.