Oh, I feel SO much better!! I think multiple factors have contributed to the positive emotions…
Writing about it. To be able to vent it all out on paper was cathartic in a way that is inexplicable to a person who doesn’t use written communication the way writers do. Can I call myself a writer? I blog, at least… I agree I have a vast way to go before “author”. Anyways, with the jotting down of thoughts, I was able to untangle the veins; and, in a way, play therapist to myself.
Speaking to people, either intimately connected to the whole incident; or to other friends, to get a feedback on thoughts and generally to bounce ideas off them. In a way, the latter were a tangible living breathing extension to my writing. The difference; here, I was not venting, I was using them to probe deeper into my own psyche.
Spoke to S… the one person in the group I thought I could speak with. It isn’t that the others didn’t want to listen, but that I didn’t know what to tell them. They are all very intelligent, but S. has a huge amount of empathy, that made him the perfect choice. The other 3 make a joke out of everything.. even did that with my depressive frame of mind. Left me quite speechless, really!
It was difficult to start; frankly, I was petrified. I didn’t want to think of a scenario where he would all walk away, after hearing my POV, but I think I had to take that chance. And once I did, it became easier and easier, to get my words out, to connect the dots in my brain to make squiggly shapes and straight lines. Slept well, nightmare free, after ages…the night I spoke my heart out to him. Now, he has to give me his thoughts, since I have asked him for it…don’t know when that will be, though.
Finally, a mental peace with myself, a lack of guilt about who I am, and what I want from life. A sudden spurt of maturity brought on by sadness and soul searching, to take a long good hard look at myself. Some things I liked, some things I gasped at. And I realize that is it okay for people to move in different directions; and that helps me see them in a “less judging” light, too.
Older, wiser..hopefully better!!
P.S. ..people who read Asterix will "get" the title of this blog..others, i suggest you start ASAP.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Part V
the wonders of ADDA...
So, after much soul searching and self-same pop psychoanalysis (yes, my education and 5 years of learning Psychology FINALLY comes of use :-D) I realized that what I was missing was intelligent conversation. We are all great at small talk, I’m sure; but I needed that thread of mental stimulation running through all the mundane things we are often so wrapped up in.
The Bongs have coined a term for it, as they have done, inevitably, with lots of other stuff.. it’s called ADDA.. or the “fine art of socializing and relaxed conversation”. Being natural talkers, we talk of everything under the sun; meandering through idle gossip, sports, food (a Bengali’s national pastime), international and local politics and cultural affairs. And the tone varies from discussion to debate to outrage and back again. They are usually accompanied with “chaa and shingara (tea and samosa)” or whatever snacks are available.
The whole concept is, I think, one of the most refreshing things, of all times. And that was what I was missing – the sheer dynamics of conversation, the crackle and sparkle of verbal communication. All we were talking of, within our group was a teasing that had gotten boring since it was unaccompanied by anything. And that got to me; here we were 5 intelligent beings, who, when together, had none to contribute except hysterical laughter at zilch. It made no sense at all. And it threw me into depression, as these 4 are people I’m extremely fond of.
Well, to cut a REALLY long story short, I backed off a little bit, to give myself and them, some room; then decided to get together with other friends as well, such that I have a range of communication with a range of people. And it works. I had a long adda this morning about random stuff like rock music, drug addiction and religion. Thus, by the time our group convened, I was in a happy mood. And that has continued through the day.
Fingers crossed!!
So, after much soul searching and self-same pop psychoanalysis (yes, my education and 5 years of learning Psychology FINALLY comes of use :-D) I realized that what I was missing was intelligent conversation. We are all great at small talk, I’m sure; but I needed that thread of mental stimulation running through all the mundane things we are often so wrapped up in.
The Bongs have coined a term for it, as they have done, inevitably, with lots of other stuff.. it’s called ADDA.. or the “fine art of socializing and relaxed conversation”. Being natural talkers, we talk of everything under the sun; meandering through idle gossip, sports, food (a Bengali’s national pastime), international and local politics and cultural affairs. And the tone varies from discussion to debate to outrage and back again. They are usually accompanied with “chaa and shingara (tea and samosa)” or whatever snacks are available.
The whole concept is, I think, one of the most refreshing things, of all times. And that was what I was missing – the sheer dynamics of conversation, the crackle and sparkle of verbal communication. All we were talking of, within our group was a teasing that had gotten boring since it was unaccompanied by anything. And that got to me; here we were 5 intelligent beings, who, when together, had none to contribute except hysterical laughter at zilch. It made no sense at all. And it threw me into depression, as these 4 are people I’m extremely fond of.
Well, to cut a REALLY long story short, I backed off a little bit, to give myself and them, some room; then decided to get together with other friends as well, such that I have a range of communication with a range of people. And it works. I had a long adda this morning about random stuff like rock music, drug addiction and religion. Thus, by the time our group convened, I was in a happy mood. And that has continued through the day.
Fingers crossed!!
Part IV
yes, the parts dont match since im not putting all my "basket-case dairies" online...that would be just too wierd :-D
Had a long chat with F. today, as we were walking to the bank and back. While in the beginning I didn’t know her all that well, I find a lot of similarities surfacing, as time goes by. Love for dogs, reading, same kind of music are certain threads of commonality.
Of course, the rest of the gang think “paka raha hai” when/if either of us start on our conversations about either…or about something that interests. I don’t understand…how can a group be so thrilled/proud of NOT amassing knowledge, of discussing something new?
Anyways, back to the chat.. we both decided to amass our feelings of dissatisfaction (about anything, really) in a positive manner. So, now plan get off my butt, and do what makes me truly happy; be it writing, painting, listening to jazz over a bit of wine and cheese, learning a new language, re-learning Math (that was one subject I loved once upon a time, far far away), pottering around with clay, or going for meandering trips in a dinky lil car (yes, I’m planning to buy one, and currently, cash strapped, its going to be very dinky indeed :-D)
Essentially, it’s all about me finally growing up to realize that life isn’t about sitting and thinking of all that I want to do, but going out and doing them.
Olé!!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Crash and Burn!!
Part I (yes, an ongoing saga about me going mental)
What does one do, when the foundation of a relationship gets rocked? Are we expected to take a good long hard look at ourselves, at our surroundings, at our friends, and make the perfect sound judgments? And are we asked to walk away unscathed?
It was a horrible feeling – in the middle of my nice, normal, perfectly peaceful day – to suddenly wake up and realize that the interactions with friends at work, and beyond; those I consider my emotional support; were suddenly leaving me hollow. So, over the next few days, I was sinking into a pit of acute depression, feeling irritated one moment and guilty the next, not wanting to face the fact that people I loved, I was beginning to almost run away from. Believe it or not, I spent an evening in a pub, COMPLETELY silent. And to those who know me, that they will agree, is a about face of my general persona, if there was one.
These poor people didn’t know what had hit them; they kept asking me for explanations of my behavior. What would I tell them.. that I myself didn’t know what had hit me too? That I couldn’t find any rational reasoning for my blues? I must say, they have been quite ok, about putting up with my volatile behavior.
Im hoping I will find a solution, as soon as possible...dont want to remain a basket case for too long. And as I do, this post in going to take on a mirror/couch role...
What does one do, when the foundation of a relationship gets rocked? Are we expected to take a good long hard look at ourselves, at our surroundings, at our friends, and make the perfect sound judgments? And are we asked to walk away unscathed?
It was a horrible feeling – in the middle of my nice, normal, perfectly peaceful day – to suddenly wake up and realize that the interactions with friends at work, and beyond; those I consider my emotional support; were suddenly leaving me hollow. So, over the next few days, I was sinking into a pit of acute depression, feeling irritated one moment and guilty the next, not wanting to face the fact that people I loved, I was beginning to almost run away from. Believe it or not, I spent an evening in a pub, COMPLETELY silent. And to those who know me, that they will agree, is a about face of my general persona, if there was one.
These poor people didn’t know what had hit them; they kept asking me for explanations of my behavior. What would I tell them.. that I myself didn’t know what had hit me too? That I couldn’t find any rational reasoning for my blues? I must say, they have been quite ok, about putting up with my volatile behavior.
Im hoping I will find a solution, as soon as possible...dont want to remain a basket case for too long. And as I do, this post in going to take on a mirror/couch role...
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Watched two Hindi movies in 4 days….that too, in the hall, not at home…
That’s an amazing thing for me, given that usually I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to see a movie…specially Hindi flicks…
1…2…3….Go, Going, Gone
The first one was 123…. It was, without doubt, the most traumatic experience ever… a horrible, atrocious movie…without a plot, without any sense, without any acting. The music sucked, and the girls wore hankies for want of a budget.. and danced - really badly - around their heroes. I sat through the first half of the movie cursing my friends loudly, and threatening to strangle them; and as soon as the intermission came, we looked at each other, and made the speediest exit ever, known to man..
Fast paced action
The second was a refreshing experience…. Race, which all my pals were raving about. So, three of us went to catch a night show yesterday, starting the whole thing off with a kebab and long island iced tea laced dinner.. a slight buzz, very pleasant and useful too, in case the movie turned out to be a bummer.
But we did have a pleasant surprise… Saif was eminently watchable – drool worthy, really; the dialogues smooth at times, and full of innuendo at others; Anil Kapoor reinvents himself with every role, the plot fast and slick, with just the right twists at the right places. The only deterrents were the item numbers, and the item girls (read heroines) who had no role, and even less acting ability. But, all in all, good time-pass, as the Bangaloreans call it…
That’s an amazing thing for me, given that usually I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to see a movie…specially Hindi flicks…
1…2…3….Go, Going, Gone
The first one was 123…. It was, without doubt, the most traumatic experience ever… a horrible, atrocious movie…without a plot, without any sense, without any acting. The music sucked, and the girls wore hankies for want of a budget.. and danced - really badly - around their heroes. I sat through the first half of the movie cursing my friends loudly, and threatening to strangle them; and as soon as the intermission came, we looked at each other, and made the speediest exit ever, known to man..
Fast paced action
The second was a refreshing experience…. Race, which all my pals were raving about. So, three of us went to catch a night show yesterday, starting the whole thing off with a kebab and long island iced tea laced dinner.. a slight buzz, very pleasant and useful too, in case the movie turned out to be a bummer.
But we did have a pleasant surprise… Saif was eminently watchable – drool worthy, really; the dialogues smooth at times, and full of innuendo at others; Anil Kapoor reinvents himself with every role, the plot fast and slick, with just the right twists at the right places. The only deterrents were the item numbers, and the item girls (read heroines) who had no role, and even less acting ability. But, all in all, good time-pass, as the Bangaloreans call it…
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